How to choose a gift they’ll actually love

Listen all year

The best ideas show up by accident, often months ahead: “I’d love to try…,” “my … just broke,” “I’ve wanted one of those forever.” Write them down right away, next to the person’s name, along with sizes, favorite colors and what they already have.

Then add the dates that matter, with a reminder two or three weeks ahead. When the birthday rolls around, you’re not starting from scratch: you reread your notes and choose calmly.

Asking isn’t lazy

A lot of people won’t ask because they don’t want to spoil the surprise. But across five studies, researchers Francesca Gino and Francis Flynn (2011) found that recipients appreciated the gifts they’d asked for more than the ones they hadn’t. Givers expected both to land equally well, and assumed an unrequested gift would come across as more thoughtful. It didn’t.

If there’s a wish list or a registry, buy from it: they still won’t know which item is coming. No list? Ask someone who lives with them, or a close friend.

An experience or a thing?

A concert, a class, a dinner, a day trip. In experiments with real gifts exchanged between people who knew each other, Cindy Chan and Cassie Mogilner (2017) found that experiences strengthened relationships more than material gifts, even when the two didn’t share the experience. The difference came from the emotions people felt while living the experience, rather than when they received it.

A thing is still a great pick if it’ll get used a lot. A review of gift research by Jeff Galak and colleagues (2016) sums up a classic mistake: givers focus on the moment the gift is opened, while recipients care about how useful it’ll be afterward. Before you buy, picture where that gift will be six months from now.

Price matters less than you think

Givers tend to assume that the more they spend, the more the gift will be appreciated. In three studies, Francis Flynn and Gabrielle Adams (2009) found that recipients didn’t appreciate pricier gifts any more. So set a budget per person and stick to it: a well-chosen gift beats an expensive one.

For a big-ticket item, suggest going in on it together: everyone chips in a little, and they get the thing they actually wanted.

Kids, coworkers and people who have everything

• Kids: the age range on the box isn’t a verdict on how bright a child is; it’s also about safety. In the US, toys that are a choking hazard for children under 3 must carry an age label, and the Consumer Product Safety Commission says to follow the age guidance on the package. Ask the parents what the child already has, too.
• Coworkers: agree on the same spending limit for everyone, or go for a group gift or a Secret Santa, where each person draws one name. Something useful or edible beats something too personal.
• People who have everything: an experience, time together, or something that gets used up, like good food or flowers. Or just ask.

Buy early, and plan for returns

If you order online, check the delivery date before you pay and leave a few days to spare. Ask for a gift receipt, and read the return policy before you buy: in the US, return and exchange policies vary by store, and many won’t take anything back after a set time, like 30 or 90 days. Without a receipt, the Federal Trade Commission says to expect store credit, often at the lowest sale price.

In the EU and the UK, exchanging a working gift bought in a store is also up to the store. But things you buy online, by phone or otherwise outside a store usually come with 14 days to cancel, no reason needed. The clock starts at delivery, so if you shop a month early, the window may close before the big day. And some things don’t qualify:

• tickets and bookings for a specific date, like a concert, a hotel stay or a dinner;
• made-to-order or clearly personalized items, like anything engraved with a name;
• sealed music, movies or video games, once you unseal them;
• food and drinks that spoil quickly.

Don’t skip the card

Add two handwritten lines: why you picked this gift for them, or a memory you share. They say what the gift can’t say on its own.

Afterward, jot down what you gave, to whom, and how it went over. Next year you’ll start from there, without repeating yourself.